This month started out with the same refrain of “OMG I suck so bad at this/Why am I still doing this to myself?/Am I ever going to get any better at this?” I sort of knew what I needed to do, but I didn’t quite know the steps to get there without becoming a raging Hulk. Then Josh posted his “Operation Be More Assertive Is A Go”, and that has jump-started my own “Operation Be More Assertive.
The difference between the beginning of the month and the end is huge. I feel much better about myself and my jiu-jitsu at the end of each class, and I’m starting to feel again as if I’m learning something in every roll. Also, I’m working harder instead of conserving so much energy with my usual lazy game. (I’ve even been sore the day after class! That hasn’t happened in a while.) I’ve managed to flip the switch between rolling with newer white belt women and then rolling with the blue belt ladies and the guys, and am doing better about keeping my own intensity and drive at the level I want.
Still a lot of work to do, especially when it comes to not allowing sweeps: I still tend to give up after just a little bit of resistance — but I do at least now recognize when I give up too early (usually right as the mat rushes up to meet me, heh), which is a start. I’m catching myself waiting around for them to move first, and am kicking myself in to gear to start sweeping or escaping or whatever is needed. I’m also going for submissions far, far more (and this is the area I thought I’d have the most trouble getting started!), and am really surprised to be getting them straight our or to *just* miss (and then to almost immediately realize what I missed in the setup).
It’s more than a bit exhilarating to realize that I do actually know — and can use! — some jiu-jitsu.