BJJ Grrl

"Be gentle, kind and beautiful, yet firm and strong, both mentally and physically." ~Sensei Keiko Fukuda

Clearing the air

on March 19, 2011

Open Mat this morning. I rolled with Will for quite a while. Had a phrase floating through my head for most of it, and I couldn’t figure out where it came from until I got home: “You’re paying good money for those ass kickings. Take them with a smile.” Right. Finally saw where I was extending both arms and leaving the D’Arce wide open. And then even when I got the top elbow in, I think it might have been more of a touch-and-go thing — elbow’s in, good, now elbow can flop. (Bad.) Tim came over to say something about my timing being off by a whole lot everywhere and about defending the D’Arce, and then pulled me over to roll with him. He said I needed to have not think so much and just have fun. But it seemed that the harder I tried to do what he wanted, the worse I was getting. The more I tried to focus and feel and think (without thinking — gah, that’s hard) and move and have “fun” (this is fun, right?), the worse I was doing. Breakdown was looming.

Tim stopped the roll to ask what was wrong. I said that I’m afraid of disappointing him and that I’m always worrying about doing things right. And then he said the best thing ever — he said that I’m not and haven’t disappointed him (not even when I let my emotions get in the way) and that I do do things right and he knows I can when I don’t so that’s why he’s harder on me than on most others. He said I need to come in and just have fun again. (For reals, this time, without working so hard to have fun. Because that doesn’t work.)

There was more rolling. I don’t remember much except that I was more relaxed. My mind wasn’t so tense or anxious. … … I’ve been staring at this screen for a while, trying too hard to find some perfect or moralizing ending for this post. And I can’t do it. (And that’s the very thing I’m trying to avoid anyway.) So, summary: class this morning started good, got bad and then worse, and then got loads and loads better. If I were better at talking to people when I have a problem, this probably could’ve been fixed long ago. But I’m not, so it didn’t. Maybe I’ll start working on that; more likely, I won’t. (Meh.) But I know better where I am now, and it’s not where I thought. And that’s a good thing.

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