I got a shiny new phone today. It’s not a smart phone, but it is less dumb than my old one. Slide out keyboard and threaded texts — fancy stuff! But the machine that moves your contacts from one phone to the other wasn’t working right, so I’m having to manually add people. At least I don’t have too many.

It started snowing sometime today.

Tim met me at 5:30 to roll. We did talk for a minute first about working out a way to let me drill this year, so that should work out. Short roll, though; we stopped when more other guys started getting there. He did tell me to look for more submissions and/or ways to make my opponent uncomfortable when doing things like passing the guard. He was doing it to me the whole time. Just little things — tweak an arm here, grab a foot there — but they suddenly require your full attention. And most of the time he had me tapping on those.

A short roll a while later with Andrew. He’s still getting better. Then a long time later, a short roll with Will. He stopped when he saw that I was getting frustrated and couldn’t control it well. He asked what was causing it, but I couldn’t really answer. Inability to do even the most basic things correctly with anyone. Feeling like an absolute idiot most of the time. Being small and weak and having to tap to things that no guy ever would. Feeling slow and pathetic and like I’m not worth anyone’s time to roll with. And feeling like everyone feels the same way and avoids getting near me for fear of infection and/or wishes I wasn’t there. Half is the first few, and half is the last one. I suddenly feel… tolerated, but not actually wanted. That’s just hard to get used to again.

By the time we left, the roads were covered with snow.

Those of us who want to train jiu-jitsu are showing up early on Saturdays from now on to get some rolling in before the MMA class, which is going to be at our old Saturday time. Then tomorrow I hopefully have appointments to go see three houses; I’m finally starting to seriously look at moving out on my own.

Next weekend was supposed to be a wedding weekend — the weekend before the wedding — but Jennie has decided not to do anything big then. So instead, I’ll be going up on Friday to catch a class at Yamasaki Mechanicsville with Chrissy & Co. and Women’s Open Mat on Saturday. Then head out to Jennie’s that night and stay and help with any last minute details for the wedding. The week after that, I’m taking off from jiu-jitsu — Jennie has asked if there could please be no visible bruises in her wedding pictures, lol. ๐Ÿ˜› She’s the only person I would do this for; I didn’t even take off before my sister’s wedding!

Perry was taking pictures on Wednesday. Here’s me with the kids who were there:


9 thoughts on “Mess

  1. About “Feeling like an absolute idiot most of the time” You are not an idiot. ๐Ÿ™‚ You’re just recuperating from the holidays. Eat chocolate. It will make you feel better. That’s my advice to everyone this week.
    BTW, the kids are adorable. They also look very happy, which says a lot about their instructor. Thanks for the pic.

  2. @SavageKitsune: No, that’s Lexi, Sarah’s daughter. Her brothers are the twins. Theresa was out of town last week.

    @Jodi: Thanks. You’re right — chocolate fixes everything ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. Out of interest, where do you think you’re at as a kid’s instructor at this point? Pretty competent, or still a lot to work on? From what you’ve written over the last few months, it sounds as if things have been going well, so it will also be interesting to see how that crosses over to teaching adults, if/when you start doing that. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. @slidey: Ha! This is me we’re talking about — I still feel barely competent to tie my own shoes! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I always feel like I have a whole lot of room to improve, am very hard on myself, and hold myself to a (generally unreasonable) standard.

    However, in recent weeks I’ve at least come to feel as if I am actually capable of teaching. (Though, the biggest boost to that came when Tim assigned me to teach armbars to a new guy in the adult class, and I did it rather well, I thought.) Perhaps not entirely capable of controlling a room full of kids, but at least capable of teaching them jiu-jitsu if they’d sit still long enough. My crowd control skills still need a lot of work.

    So, I’d say I think I’m okay with the “instructor” part and not so okay on the “kids” part of the equation. ๐Ÿ˜›

  5. Heh – yeah, the discipline thing is what scares me most about teaching kids (not that I’m planning to do it any time soon, but I have occasionally pondered about teaching, as I do enjoy teaching adults in the context of poetry seminars).

    I can handle one child, as I spent a few months looking after my niece a while back, but then she was related to me. I don’t think I’d have much patience with non-family kids. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Do you think you’d be able to teach kids in a different context with something else you had experience in, like computer skills or something? From chatting about Bullyproof over on Dev’s blog, I’ve been wondering if any teaching skills from BJJ transfer over to other settings, and vice versa.

  6. @slidey: I’ve taught kids before, in Sunday School and tutoring through high school/college, and never really had a problem with those. I think it’s the discipline thing plus the fact that I am vastly outnumbered ๐Ÿ˜› And probably that I feel like a lot of people (parents, training partners, my instructors) are watching, analyzing, and judging me. Maybe that most of all. I have an active imagination…

  7. The difficulty of handling a group of kids increases exponentially as you add more kids. 1 kid, anyone can handle. 2 kids is pretty tough, but most people can keep them on task. 3 kids = All Hell is about to break loose and there’s nothing you can do about it. 4 Kids = Therapist on speed dial.

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