Well, that was probably the worst night I’ve had in a long while. Hard to get any worse than that. Everything sucked in a “why do I even bother?” kind of way.
But if it were easy, everyone would do it, right? It takes a special kind of masochism to come back for more…
I got in early, as usual, and tried to warm up thoroughly. Body wasn’t exactly thrilled. Joints are stiff. Everything is slow. I don’t need this tonight…
Class started with rolling. I started with a circuit. … Oh. Well, at least I don’t have a whole class to dread what’s coming.
Single-arm hangs, burpees, pushups around the tire, single legs, single/sprawl, alligators, shrimping. Everything was a struggle. My body would not move. Felt like I was dragging myself through it all. Then a round with Justin, and he got the nod to murderlize me. Which he did, and which is fine. But I was so slow — I’d finally react to the first move when he was four moves ahead of that — and Tim was on me about it. Everything the guys were saying last week about being too slow and needing to move & react. Started standing for a few minutes, then on the ground. He even tried to go a little lighter after the first few minutes, and I still couldn’t keep up. Couldn’t hit that ankle lock escape, either. Pathetic. And then I feel extra awful that I can’t meet their expectations and I feel that I’m letting them down and making all their extra work with me worthless. And that’s the worst. Now my mind was starting to break down.
More circuit? Maybe here, maybe later; can’t remember. Somewhere a couple rounds with Theresa. I think he wanted me to go hard on her, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Rounds with Tim in there, too, starting from standing. A few breaks while he rolled with Theresa, then back to it. Sluggish. Body is not cooperating. More circuit, more rolling. More and more pathetic. Can’t keep track of my limbs, can’t keep track of my breathing. Just awful. This is one of those nights where, if quitting were a possibility, I would quit. But it’s not, so of course I won’t.
He tried to send me home several times, but I refused to go, so we went for quite a while. Eventually had a longer break at the end of class, then waited him out again until he said I could do one more thing — took the gi top off for gi pullups and hangs until my grips gave out, which didn’t take long.
But during that longer break, Tim talked to me. Told me I need to not take myself or training so seriously, that this should be fun and not another job. I said I just want to be better at this and it doesn’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. He assured me that I’m doing fine, and I know he must be right — and the fact that he’s giving me all this extra training for a tournament means that he does care about me and does believe I can do this (because otherwise he’d just tell me to make sure my cardio was good and would leave me to do it myself). I just wish sometimes that I could see it.
He also said I need to roll with the spazzy boys who I don’t like to roll with, more for the mental exercise of keeping myself calm and under control, though also for the unexpected crap that they do. Blerg. Do not like.