Fearless

Large class tonight, lot of new guys. I did my drills on the side again. Tried balancing on the crash pad again, but the knee would only do 1 set. I also threw in 3 x 10 Russian twist/pushup superset, and followed up with 2 x 1 min prone cobra. Evil! Especially after the pushups; my shoulders weren’t happy.

I took the medicine ball and balanced my weight on it with my hands, then worked on sliding it backwards until I was kneeling. Most of my weight was on the ball or my left leg, but I did get into a full kneel. Whoot! I slowly eased some weight over to the right; didn’t take too long for it to hurt, though it was in my calf and not in the LCL region. So did some calf stretches, too.

The little girl had her TKD class tonight, so she didn’t do ours. She watched, though, and Justin pulled her in to drill the guard pass. I talked to her toward the end of class for a little while. She’s so cute! And fearless. That’s how I would describe her in one word: Fearless. She’ll go after anything; she doesn’t care how big the guys are or how they’re playing.

And I realized as I was talking to her that I didn’t want to say anything to take that away. I didn’t want to tell her to be careful who she rolled with. I didn’t want to say anything that would plant the idea that there was something here to be afraid of. I even caught myself earlier in the week, when she asked about my knee, trying hard not to say who did it or to imply that it could happen to her. I want her to retain that innocence and not to worry.

Because I do that in plenty for the both of us. I see her on the mat attacking the spazzy guys, and I realize that I want to do that, too, but I’m afraid. Of injury, mostly; I’m all too aware that my joints are fragile and that my face doesn’t like getting pummeled. I’m overly cautious usually, playing defensively and guarding against injury, because I worry over things like LCL sprains. And even though I know better, I play a might could game in my head and so stay away from anything even remotely frightening. This is also something that has been cropping up outside of the gym, too.

(I had a more in-depth chatter here, but my internet cut out and it didn’t save. Bah.)

Not that I want to be reckless, but I don’t want to be so afraid and so preoccupied with what might happen that I ignore what is happening. So “Be Fearless” is going on top of my goals list for this next year.

4 thoughts on “Fearless

  1. God I know exactly what you mean. One of my trainers keeps urging me to be more aggressive, more offensive. I keep thinking, wtf, against a big huge guy, I’m just opening myself up to sweeps, attacks, etc. Most of the time (with this particular group of guys) I play as offensive as I can, but because they’re relatively noobish, I just get shoved backwards, flat, on the mat. So I hedgehog up and there goes offense.

    However– a wb girl my size showed up one day. Poor thing, I really took it to her (though she had a great spirit about it)– I just had to show that with someone my size, I’m a tiger, not a hedgehog.

  2. @Georgette: Yes, and this is also the place where Tim and I were getting frustrated with each other several months ago. I’m letting myself be afraid. There’s some ego in it, too, of not wanting to be swept or submitted, but mostly it’s a near-panic state that I’ll be injured and off the mats. So I don’t attack, and instead retreat and defend.

    But watching this little girl the last week, I’ve realized what I’m missing and what I can be doing. I’ll have time to work through it in these next weeks as I hopefully transition back to drilling, to light rolling, and finally to full rolling again.

  3. Wow, I know what you mean, Leslie! I just talked to my instructor yesterday afternoon about a very similar thing. On the one hand, I would say we–as small, not-so-strong girls–should grapple smart and protect ourselves. But at the same time, how will our games grow if we don’t take risks? My instructor said one answer is to find people you can trust to roll with, who are also at your level or better than you, and challenge yourself with them. When you’re rolling with someone you don’t necessarily trust, then play a safer game. At least, that’s the advice he gave me.

  4. @Allie: Yes, and that’s how I intended to roll with “scary” guys and I think how I started out handling them, but somewhere in there I let fear of injury and panic come in as the primary motivation. (It’s one thing to be aware that he could break my arm and so I need to protect it; it’s another to be worried before hand that in this roll, he will hurt me and so to hedgehog the whole roll.) And I think that’s coloring all my rolls now. I feel like I wasn’t making any progress in any roll, even with the higher belts.

    And of course, the preacher on TV this morning, the devotional reading, and the preacher on my iPOD are all talking about “Fear not!” 😛

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