Most days, I leave class and tell myself, It’s okay; you don’t have to go back. We’ll find something else to do. And I wrestle with that decision the whole way home, through dinner and showering, through writing posts, and until I fall asleep. Usually by the morning I’ve forgotten, and I pack my bag again and head off to work and then to class, not thinking about it again until some time during class when I’m crushed under side control or mount or dragged or flipped into someone’s back mount and my defense is getting blasted through and my brain starts screaming What is wrong with you? Why do you do this to yourself every night? You’re crazy! Add in incompetence, weakness, and mistakes on my part, and I’m almost in tears by the end of class. Time in the dressing room to recollect myself a little. Lately I’ve been leaving after class instead of staying around for after-class conditioning or eating because I have such a tenuous hold on my emotions.
Often it’s only a combination of a faulty short-term memory and a stubborn streak a mile wide that gets me back in there.
I just want to get better at jiu-jitsu. I want to be competent out on the mats. And I feel as if I’m not. And I feel as if I won’t. That this beginner, white belt, sloppy & floppy level and I will be forever friends, that I’m stuck in some low-level jiu-jitsu existence where no one will just be straight and tell me that some people just aren’t made for jiu-jitsu and that maybe I’m one of them. I’m frustrated with myself: I give me lots of mat time, lots of jiu-jitsu internet and book time, lots of brain time, and nothing seems to improve. If anything, it seems to get worse.
Don’t mind me. I’ll have forgotten about it by the morning.
Before class, Clifton was trying to remember the stuff that Renzo showed on Saturday to show Justin. I got dragged in to help jog his memory. Then Justin and Clifton started rolling. Nick started talking about rolling, so I dragged him in to the ring, too, and we played around before class. We were still rolling when Justin hollered for everyone to find a partner. We slid out of the ring and finished the round on the mat. (One of the big smashy guys tried to slide in and roll with me; I said Nick and I were still in the middle of a round.) At least I got to warm up without having to be on the alert for someone trying to hurt me.
Rolled with a white belt next. Spent the round defending under side control and mount. And having my head sat on.
On to drilling. First we just worked the double-under pass from last night again. Then Justin showed the wrestler’s cradle escape, for once the guy has passed to side control.
Drilled with a qhite belt. Then rolling with him. He started off with the “wrestler head squeeze,” which was the first technique Renzo taught a counter to at Karate College. Got the position, though had to work to keep him from rolling (so anyone else would’ve been out); had some trouble setting up the armbar but I think I finally got it. (He said last night, when he tapped because he couldn’t escape, that he’d rather tap when he can’t get out or if he thinks fighting to get out will get him hurt — which is exactly as he ought to do… only I’m now left with the feeling that he’s not tapping because I have it right. *sigh*) Mostly held down the rest of the round. Did have one sweep to mount, though I don’t remember what, but was swept right back over.
Last round with another white belt. Under side control. Did manage to snag a half guard when he tried to jump to guard, but that was the extent of anything. He was trying to catch a D’Arce, I think — hand placement seemed right — but it came out more as a neck crank, and it hurt. He also sat on my head a lot.
Tomorrow is Nick’s last day for a while. He graduated, but hasn’t found a job down here yet and his parents won’t keep paying his rent. So he has to go home on Thursday until he either gets a job here or gets in to grad school at Tech. Here’s hoping he’s not gone long.
We did get a little more information about Adam’s fight. Apparently the other guy was a nervous wreck. He’s also been on the card at Adam’s last two fights, especially the last one where Adam fought a guy who weighed in at 170 lbs (and weighed a lot more come fight time). So he called the promoters on Friday, right before Adam and Justin were to head over to the sauna, and said he was backing out.
Some of us are definitely going down to the NAGA NC on July 11th. (I still need to register. Slacker.) I’m not sure yet who’s going up to Richmond for the Submission Only, though.
Warning: LOLcat links ahead
I left last night during a conference call that three of the guys were having. This morning I get to hear the details. They were working out final details for a website that was set to go live last night, and they had the previous hosting company and the new hosting company on two difference phones. The new company was basically making stuff up about why they couldn’t do certain things. The customer service lady at the previous company was interrupting and yelling at my coworkers before they could get a word in. They had to ask her several times to not interrupt them so they could tell her what they needed help with.
They were assuming she’d had a bad day and were trying to be polite. She put them on hold for some reason, except she forgot to mute her microphone or something because they could hear every word she said. And she apparently turned to the lady next to her and had a normal-voice, non-ticked-off conversation about her sister’s wedding. When she came back on the line, she switched back to evil you’re-ruining-my-life lady.