Some of the students were back tonight, so a much larger class than we had all last week. Warmup, and again I was keeping up in the drills down the mat… and then suddenly was a whole trip behind. I’m still confused. Then partnered up for armbars from the guard, 10 per side, but some of the newer guys weren’t doing them right (chance they haven’t really seen them yet), so we kept going while Tim walked them through them. Hamstrings, glutes, and hips = on fire. Then bump sweep for a while. One more down-the-mat drill with your partner, shrimping between their legs. A few trips of that.
Rest of class was rolling, round-robin style. We were split into several groups of 3; my group had 4. One in the middle until he’d rolled with everyone in his group, then the last one to come out stayed out for everyone; wash, rinse, repeat. I was in with 3 newer guys, one of whom smells like smoke and another whose gi also smelled funky. Maybe it was just my group, or maybe it would have been the same no matter what, but I got steamrolled. They were going Abu Dhabi at each other, with a constant increase of intensity throughout the class.
Got slammed, punched, kneed, ripped, jerked, crushed, everything. Couldn’t breathe, either, under the two who smelled. At one point, when I had a few moments of space and was switching my hips and playing with grips with one of them, Tim was watching my roll, and he was making little comments like “Good, Leslie” — which, I suppose, to my partner, means that my partner is not doing good, and so of course the intensity gets jacked up. Made the mistake once of going for a lapel choke that another one had left open; his intensity, which was already high, kicked in to overdrive. No more offense from me; the rest was all defense.
Having two rounds to sit out between was good, though, as I could just get myself back in hand before the next round. Should have probably stepped out sooner, but I thought I could make it. Held up for most of the class, but on one of the last rolls, I lost it. Almost immediately wanted the round to be over, but we’d just started. Tried to just turtle and wait it out, but he’d grab a foot and a sleeve and throw me over or take my back. He tossed me over once, and I didn’t move from where he’d thrown me; just stayed curled up and tried to hang on to the last thread of control I had. He stopped then, though, because he said he could see that I was shaking, probably from the effort of not completely breaking down. I tried to say that I was fine, but I was still shaking, and he suggested that I take a break. So I walked back to the women’s bathroom and locked myself in and tried to calm down.
He apologized several times. But it wasn’t just him; that was just the last straw; but I couldn’t say anything without breaking down again. (Gah. Once the dam breaks, it takes so blasted long to patch. I’m still having flare-ups three hours later. Stop it, I’m not like this! Grrr!!) And I do know that no one is purposely trying to beat me up and that they just don’t realize that they’re going so hard with me. But no matter how many times Tim says, “Work your jiu-jitsu, guys. Let’s see some technique” — or even if he specifically tells someone who’s rolling with me to work his technique when he rolls with me and not to muscle me around — it still happens every time.
Or am I just that much of a wimp? Am I expecting rainbows and kittens every time I roll? Maybe they are rolling with technique, and I just can’t tell, and maybe the advanced belts are taking it too easy on me. I don’t want things just handed to me; I don’t want the guys to “take it easy on the poor little girl.” Have I somehow gotten a skewed idea of what “rolling with technique” means? I know it doesn’t mean slow or without intensity or power or pressure or sometimes even pain — I’ve rolled with the blue and purple belts and Tim enough. It’s just that I feel as if I’m missing something that would let me understand and maybe even roll with these other guys. Right now I don’t even feel as if I’m even rolling with them; I’m just a live heavy bag for a round.