“Gotta be strong up here,” Tim said, tapping his head. I nodded. I know. First roll picked up right where Saturday left off. He intercepted me after that one. He assured me again that I’m rolling fine and really am doing well, and he promised he would tell me straight if I wasn’t. Alright, I do believe him. I can do this.
By the end of the night, I was somewhat collected. I think maybe I was just more resigned to getting mashed and ripped and overpowered, but at least I wasn’t near hyperventilating again. That’s when it’s worse: I get upset about being upset, and then I’m really done. By the end of the night, I was still upset, but I wasn’t upset about being upset. And in case you hadn’t guessed, I have a terrible poker face.
(You know, though, there is one good thing about the excuse “I’m just a girl and they’re all stronger than me” — it doesn’t give me a reason to quit. So many guys come through, get their butts handed to them, and leave. I get mine kicked, but I’m just a girl so of course they whipped me, so I have no way out based on that; me losing is logically justified. So I’m stuck; I have to keep coming back. =P Anyway…)
Humongous class tonight. Some without gis because they’re just getting back after break and didn’t yet know we’d switched to more gi classes. Warmup… eh. Shorter, but somehow harder. Oh, and then the end — we circled up, all along the edges of the mat, and laid on our stomachs. You had to jump up and start hopping over everyone around the circle; after you finished hopping, you had to post up on your hands and feet to form a high bridge (and you had to hop over people who’d already assumed that position). Then you had to army crawl under everyone and go back to the same position until everyone finished. It was just one after the other, as fast as you can go. And holding that bridge is not as restful as it seems it might be.
One round of rolling. Got the new guy who’d trained previously. He finally figured out that he doesn’t have to muscle me around everywhere, so while I tapped a lot, it was to real stuff and technique. The previous times I’d rolled with him, he’d been ripping everything every which way. Did get frustrated because I couldn’t escape anything and couldn’t defend worth anything, though, and that’s what Tim called me on.
Drilling was another pair of standing guard breaks. Drilled with Adam and Justin, so lots of help.
Rolling again. Nick first, and he let me play and climb all over him. Thanks, man. Then TKD Mike, Will, and the new guy again. Defense. Tapping a lot to the new guy, even though my defense felt the same as the previous two rounds. Not sure why yet. Tried to think, “Ok, I want to pull guard” on resets or “Standing guard pass” when they’d pull guard on me instead. Never worked except when Nick let me. (But Tim said the other day, when we started this standing guard pass series, that he wanted us all to do them more and he didn’t care how many times we failed; he wanted us trying. So I’m trying.)
No climbing after; Mexican instead. Rather glad, as my left arm/hand is still giving me fits and tingling, so not sure how it would do holding me on a wall. Started acting up tonight somewhere in the last three rolls. Tried just to go to the other side and not use that one as much.
Talked to a friend I’ve known since middle school today. He used to be a lawyer. I asked him about being a patent agent, and he agreed that it would be a good career for me. So a little more researching this week, and trying to see if there’s anyone else I know to talk to, and then there’s a good chance I’ll add studying for the patent bar to my To Do list.