I need to adjust mine. Getting all emotional and angry and frustrated and all that mess. Not good for the jiu-jitsu. Need a check up from the neck up, as my pastor says. Forget working on anything else for a while; this gotta get fixed.
Not a good day. One of those days you want to have another shot at — or just give up on it altogether and go back to sleep. Couldn’t do anything right, and that was just on the warmup and the drills, nevermind rolling. There were goals before class, but none of them happened at all.
Small class. Warmup was longer (the newer guy puked). Did okay for the first half, keeping up with the guys, but got behind toward the end. Circled up for a few more things. Then we drilled threading the needle and going for the single on the near leg. Partnered up, but the partner wasn’t in tight; they were just for reference. Worked with the new guy because no one else wanted to after he’d thrown up. Lovely, thanks, guys. You’d think all the practice I’d been doing on this would help, but no, my brain blanked out and did it wrong most of the time, which led to the entire class having to drill it singley and then together again.
Then we rolled. I got to start with the new guy. Once again, new guys make the regular guys who mash seem gentle by comparison. Absolutely refused to tap to several I have nothing but I’m squeezing anyways, even though I couldn’t breathe and my face was getting smashed. Lots of me getting picked up and tossed over. Lots of me wanting to punch and elbow; haven’t done that in a while. Bad. Tried to breathe and calm down, but it never happened.
Next round with Will, and I couldn’t keep up. Couldn’t get my hips out, couldn’t keep my elbows in, couldn’t prevent anything. He got to full mount once and swept me to his guard, and I couldn’t do a thing about it. In several rolls the last few weeks, he’s gotten to a position from which he could easily pry up an arm and try to finish something, and instead of continuing to work or even switch to something else, he just steps off and resets. There may be a perfectly valid reason that has nothing to do with me at all — and I don’t ask because my cranky attitude is making up more stories instead — but I feel patronized. And stupid. And I hate being made to feel stupid.
Then with Perry, and he was moving slowly and using just his weight and one grip on my sleeve, and I still had nothing.
Drilled again, standing guard pass with two ending variations. Drilled with Perry. Having all sorts of issues. Had to get a near private lesson from Tim — took a very, very long while — to get that first pass.
Then more rolling. Will again. Same as before. Then Tim. He was playing distance; I wanted in. He won. Tried to move faster. Felt slower. Gah.
He told me again after class that I’m doing fine — good, even — and don’t need to get frustrated. But I feel as if I’m making no progress when I can’t do anything while rolling (and, sometimes, drilling). I spend so much time attempting the same escapes, miserably defending the same submissions, trying to cling to even a few things to do right, and feeling so often as if I’ve done nothing but flop around. He said he thinks I’d do well against another girl, but I wonder instead if I wouldn’t get owned there, too. And I want to do well against the guys. There’s not “girl jiu-jitsu” and “boy jiu-jitsu.” And then there’s the point about technique triumphing over strength. I know it can; I just can’t figure out how. He said I need to have confidence in my technique, and from Saulo’s advice, I should have sky-high confidence right now. Instead, I have none. Seriously, right now, zilch, zero, nada. … But maybe that’s a good thing. I can’t go any lower. Back to square one, mentally anyway. *le sigh* We can rebuild her…
Sorry, pity party mostly over now. There’s something about jiu-jitsu that gets in more personal than anything else I’ve ever done. Digs in to parts of my life I thought were under control and drags out all the things I still need to work on, like not getting frustrated when things I don’t go my way. (At least I’m past the temper tantrum stage. Mostly.) I still have a lot of work to do on my insides, though.
Adam entered the ProJitsu tournament up in Dover. He lost in the first round, 1-0. The other guy got a takedown and then laid on him. Pfft.