Whatever, dudes

Goals for today:

• Standing guard pass; scissor sweep pass/knee-through pass/double-under pass; pinch pass
• north/south roll escape; bridge side-control escape; gi half-guard sweep/Old School/Justin’s half-guard sweep; upa/knee-elbow/”scrape”
• triangle/armbar/triangle; armbar; triangle; omoplata (w/ roll from Wednesday); D’Arce; Peruvian necktie to armbar; N/S kimura

Did remember to make my list for today. Mostly, it’s to remind me that I know these things. I think I was seeing things better with Justin on Monday because all this was fresh in my mind. Trying to add things for different positions and to have sequences of techniques that can flow together and/or from the same position.

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Larger class today, especially for a Saturday. Some guys who hadn’t been around for a while.

Warmup was light, and then we did a few rounds of hand fighting, to double-unders, to continue. Got in with one guy who got one under and one almost-under and then picked me up a foot off the ground to try to get that second one in. Did get Nick for a round. And then a guy who would get close to double-unders but not quite — and didn’t have my hips pulled in — but then he’d drop it and reset as if he had gotten it. Erm, no.

Then rolling. Got 2 of the guys who have been gone for a while, back to back. Not. Cool. But I just tried to relax and do what I could, which wasn’t much, while they flung me around, benchpressed me, squeezed things that weren’t submissions but nearly hurt enough to be, etc. The second guy sat down and said, “Let me know if I’m using muscle on you,” and then grabbed both my arms and hauled me off my feet and in to his guard. Hey, um, dude… yeah, whatever.

I realized today as I was rolling with these guys that I’m really not frustrated by them overpowering me; by them getting submissions, passing, and getting out of my (few and far between) submission attempts; by them powering through everything; by them smacking me in the face or ribs with elbows or knees; or even by them jerking submissions out too far and hurting me. All of that, I’m smaller and not as strong and they aren’t working technique; they just want a tap and/or to not tap to a girl. Whatever, dudes; I’m fine with that. But I am frustrated because I feel so stupid when I roll with them. Nothing I do works, and most of the time I can’t even do anything at all. I feel as if I know nothing, as if my technique is worthless. And that is what upsets me more than anything.

One more roll, with Buddy #1, a blue belt. Such a different feel than the previous two guys. He was capitalizing on me making silly mistakes. It was rolling with Buddy that got me to realize that I don’t mind tapping; I’m not out there to “win.” But it’s feeling stupid that I can’t stand. And even though Buddy was catching every dumb thing I did, I knew immediately what I’d done wrong and how to fix it for next time; I never felt as if I didn’t know what I was doing, just as if I was making mistakes. With the other guys, I can do everything right but it makes no difference.

Got to work in with Adam, Justin, and Nick to drill, so I got lots of help and pointers through it.

Rolling again. Another guy who’d been gone awhile. Sat down and said, “More rolling? I’m tired!” which is my cue now that a guy is about to go 110% anyway. Which he did. He got my back early and stayed there most of the round. He was crossing his feet at one point so I tried the ankle lock but couldn’t quite finish it; he got out eventually and got a body triangle. After the round, he was asking if the body triangle had been tight, and I said that yes, it had been (I think he’d been expecting me to tap because of it, maybe? He sounded hopeful when he asked.), and then I added that he shouldn’t cross his ankles, so he asked me what I’d been trying to do there and I told him about the ankle lock. But he said he has crummy ankles anyway and doesn’t feel enough in them.

One more round, with Justin. Either I do actually know some jiu-jitsu, or Justin is one of the nicest guys in the world (well, he probably is anyway), because I never feel like an idiot when I roll with him. He sweeps me every which way, ghosts out of my submissions and sweeps, flies me up with his legs, and rolls me over my head so many times, but I never feel as if I don’t know what I’m doing. And it’s fun.

I did try working some of what I’d wanted with Buddy earlier, but I think I was thinking too much and just enjoying not being slammed around so I ended up not doing much. So with Justin I was actually trying to work. He was countering far more on the scissor sweep pass, so I was trying to figure out a way to add a wrinkle, but never could. He was sweeping me faster when we got to half-guard (didn’t matter who had whom; he swept me), and I wasn’t fast enough to get anything. And he never let me get back to guard, so couldn’t work any of those. [I did realize after class that with both Buddy and Justin, I’d wanted to work pinch pass but had my feet in front of me when we started, so neither of them would go for butterfly guard. Doh. Too much “not starting from the knees when starting on the knees” practice, hehe.]

He turtled once to let me attack. I knew I wanted the Peruvian necktie-to-armbar (so wasn’t going for the necktie itself but for the armbar off the far arm); took me a few tries to remember which way to put my arms in, but he let me. Posted the front leg up and he started in on me about the Peruvian necktie and how I should know he wouldn’t let me get it. Got the second leg over his back, and then I bit on the far arm and got both legs over. Heels probably not pinched enough again because he rolled out. But his eyes were wide, and he said I had nearly had him for reals. For reals! (And he was telling Tim, Adam, and Nick about it later, that I’d almost really caught him. *insert silly girl squeal*) He was joking after the round that he can’t teach me anything else like that because I might catch him next time.

There was one more round, but the one new guy had to sit out because he was tired, so I sat, too, and watched Justin and Nick.